Friday, April 12, 2013

Kids As Adults - THINGS WE HATE

I created four short screenplays for hire for a project called "Kids As Adults".
The whole idea was having kids play adult roles.
I didn't think much of the idea, but I did what I could with it.
I don't think they'll ever see production so I don't see the harm in putting them up here.
Please keep in mind that the individual that I created these for retains the option to produce these four short vignettes, so please don't run off and make them.


Two kids sitting in adjoining pre-fab work cubicles.
Although they can’t see each other, they’ve developed a method of talking to each other over the divider to pass the time during their boring drudging data-entry jobs.
Kid #1: “You know what I hate?”
Kid #2: “Everything. Last I checked.”
Kid #1: “Yes. But more specifically.”
Kid #2: “Okay. I’ll bite. What do you hate?”
Kid #1: “I hate when people talk to me about the weather. Especially people that complain about the rain. Water falls from the sky sometimes. Either you get wet or you don’t. I don’t get where the suspense comes in.”
Kid #2: “I hate it when people talk on their cell phone next to you while you’re waiting in line. I mean, really, that call is that important that I need to hear you talk about your aunt Agnes’s heart problems while you’re talking at the back of my head?
Kid #1: “I hate it when people try to talk to me about their pets. I barely care about you. Why do you think I want to know about the animal you keep imprisoned in your home for your entertainment?”
Kid #2: “I just hate pets in general. You want to hang out with animals? Spend the day at the zoo. Meanwhile there’s a whole aisle in the supermarket designated to selling pet food when we have people in this country that don’t have enough to eat. It’s a travesty.”
Kid #1: “I hate people that take their home aquariums too seriously. You’re not Jacques Cousteau. I know that you think that having a bunch of tetras swimming around in a tank is relaxing, but when you find yourself spending time trying to pinpoint the p.h. of your tank to accommodate different breeds of fish you probably need to get out more often or start dating a dolphin.”
Kid #2: “I hate animal conservationists. Especially the ASPCA. They always have those late night guilt trips featuring sad looking dogs with some lady warbling over it all. I never kicked a dog and I don’t need to see it on my TV when I can’t sleep at night.”
Kid #1: “I hate people that think it’s awesome to own exotic animals like lions and tigers and bears. They think they’re special like they can just hang out with a tiger or an orangutan and then people get all angry at the animal when it goes all feral and eats the face off of its special human friend. You ever seen a lion take down a gazelle? What makes anyone think that they’re anything but two-legged gazelles in the eyes of a lion?”
Kid #2: “I hate it when people try to talk to me about their kids. You’ve got kids. I acknowledged that fact. Now can we move on? I don’t care of your stupid kid is falling behind in penmanship.”
Kid #1: “I just hate kids in general. Stinky little awkward goblins. Always yelling and screaming and crying. I don’t know why anyone would willingly subject themselves to that.
Kid #2: “I hate old people that are clueless that still wander around in the community. Swerving around ten miles an hour in a brand new Cadillac. Showing up to the post-office trying to mail an apple pie to their grandson in Afghanistan and they just show up with the pie and I have to stand around and wait while the clerk tries t help them figure out how to get it into a package suitable for mailing halfway across the world? I’m all for showing support for the troops but not at the expense of having to wait around for an hour while grandma tries to figure out how to put stamps on a pie.”
Kid #1: “I hate it when people talk about their bowel movements. I know that everybody poops, but the last thing I need to know is how last night’s buffalo wings set off the fire alarm in the bathroom. Some things should just be private.”
Kid #2: “I hate it when people don’t close the door when they use the bathroom. I know that everyone needs a break every now and again but I don’t need to hear the stream hitting the porcelain.”
Kid #1: “I hate when girls complain about men not leaving the toilet seat down. It’s not like you’re going to fall in and drown. Plus if the toilet seat’s up, just reach over and knock it down. Gravity’s in your favor.”
Kid #2: “I hate people that talk too loudly. I’m standing right in front of you. I shouldn’t be able to feel the sound of your words as they plink off of my uncaring face. Didn’t your parents ever tell you about inside voices?”
Kid #1: “I hate people that have awful laughs.   Especially people that actually say “Ha Ha Ha” instead of laughing. Were you absent on the day in Kindergarten when they taught people how to laugh like a normal human being?”
Kid #2: “I hate people that don’t know that they smell bad. Especially people with bad breath that lean in close when they talk at you. Yes. There is a reason I keep leaning further away from you so there’s no reason for you to keep leaning in closer. Eventually I’m going to have to get up and put some distance between us and that will just be awkward.”
Kid #1: “I hate when people tell you about their health problems in great detail. You’re not feeling well? Fine. I hope you feel better. But if you want to tell me all about your battle with cancer, I kind of secretly hope that it kills you, like, immediately. I’ve got my own problems to worry about.”
Kid #2: “I hate when people complain at restaurants. As long as it’s approximately the food you ordered there shouldn’t be any problem at all. If you want a bit more barbecue sauce in a little ramekin, fine. But if you try to send your food back to be re-cooked or refuse to pay for your food, the cook should be legally entitled to take you out into the parking lot and pistol-whip you in front of your family.”
Kid #1: “I hate when people say “How are you?” and don’t actually want to know. If you ask me how I am, I feel obliged to tell you. A simple “Hello” would suffice.”
Kid #2: “I hate it people that say “God Bless You!” when you sneeze. It’s not like my spirit is trying to leap out of my body. I just had a tickle in my nose. Everybody relax.”
Kid #1: “I hate racists. People come from different places and in different colors and they’ve been doing that since there were people. Why haven’t we moved past that as a species yet?”
Kid #2: “I hate people that don’t try to assimilate when they move to another country. If I moved to France, I’d learn to speak French. The last thing I need is to listen to some convenience store clerk jabbering into a cell phone in some weird language that sounds like a bunch of snorts and coughs. I don’t expect everyone to speak English, but when I’m in an English speaking country it shouldn’t be a special order.”
Kid #1: “I hate people that are proud about their ethnicity. Especially Irish people. I’m sure that there are a lot of French people that are proud of their background, but you don’t see French people closing down Main Street to have a Bastille Day parade. But every Saint Patrick’s Day every Irishman and alcoholic is wandering around the streets sporting and Irish accent. I wish they used arsenic to make green beer.”
Kid #2: “You know what the difference is between Saint Patrick’s Day and Martin Luther King Junior Day?”
Kid #1: “No.”
Kid #2: “On Saint Patrick’s Day everyone wants to be Irish.”
Kid #1: “I hate it when people have ignorant opinions about the Middle East. It’s all about the oil. Why can’t we all just admit it and get over it. We’re going to keep sending troops in tanks over to your country as long as there’s oil under your country. Get used to it.”
Kid #2: “I hate it when people have stupid colored ribbons on the back of their vehicles. These days every disease from club foot to cancer has a different colored ribbon and I don’t care about any of them.”
Kid #1: “I hate when people have those stick-figure family stickers on their rear-windows. Oh, how nice, you’ve got two kids and a dog. Well I have a rock and I hate your stupid stickers. Have fun shopping for a new rear window.”
Kid #2: “I hate novelty license plates. You’re too good for a random series of letters and numbers like the rest of us? I hope you get rear-ended by a garbage truck.”
Kid #1: “I hate jeeps. If you’re tooling around in the desert I understand the need, but if you’re cruising around in the city, go and get yourself a vehicle with a roof like a normal person.”
Kid #2: “I hate when people pull onto the highway from an on ramp and don’t speed up. Why did you get onto the highway if you’re not in a rush to get someplace. Gas is on the right.”
Kid #1: “I hate people that don’t drive fast in the fast lane. If you’re not interested in getting to where you’re going pull off to the right, or better yet, just stay off the highway.”
Kid #2: “I hate car fanatics. It’s just a mode of transportation. A way to get from here to there. If you’re in love with your car, that’s fine, but keep me out of it.”
Kid #1: “I hate bike fanatics. It’s a way for children to ride around the neighborhood. The next time some idiot on a souped-up custom ten speed yells “Share the road!” at me in the city I’m running him off the road.”
Kid #2: “I hate people that always compare things to Nazis or Hitler. Is that your only frame of reference? Unless your neighbor takes over your home and tries to gas your Jewish pets he’s not a Nazi.”
Kid #1: “I hate Christians. Not Christianity, mind you. I’ve got nothing against having a spiritual belief as long as you’re willing to admit that it’s magical thinking. But the way they’re always so condescending and punitive and smug about everything. Who gave you the right to be the judge of every one and thing? If God doesn’t like what I’m up to, let him show up and tell me as much. In the meantime, spare me all of the lectures about your crazy reincarnation cult.”
Kid #2: “I hate people that think that Jesus actually cares about their stupid existence. Some inbred redneck in West Virginia thinks that if he hollers to Jesus, that Jesus will cure his cancer and make his cousin Cletus walk again. You got cancer from the drinking water and your cousin Cletus is crippled because he decided to dive headfirst into the shallow end of the swimming hole. Jesus has nothing to do with it. You’re your own worst enemy.”
Kid #1: “I hate Jehovah’s Witnesses. It’s bad enough believing in something crazy, but they try to sell it door-to-door and on a Saturday morning no less. They show up on my doorstep in their nicest clothes and then they act like I’m the crazy one when I tell them I’m not interested and I’d rather sleep in on my day off.”
Kid #2: “I hate people that actually believe in Creationism, especially politicians. It’s bad enough that there are actually people out there that think that God just blinked everything into existence four-thousand years ago despite everything we’ve ever learned about the world. And, you know, science. But then you’re going to expect me to believe that there are enough idiots out there that you managed to get into public office and you’re out there making decisions on how to spend our tax money and making up the laws for our country with that stupid nonsense rattling around in your head? One word. Dinosuars. Get over it.”
Kid #1: “I hate people that believe in astrology. The stars that make up the constellations are hundreds of millions of light years away from each other and some of the stars that we see died out thousands of years ago. And you expect me to believe that you can blame your personality defects on the time of year you were born?”
Kid #2: “I hate vegetarians. If animals weren’t meant to be used for food we wouldn’t be able to eat them. They’d be as digestible as rocks and dirt. If you want to get upset about the way we factory raise our food animals, fine, but to say we shouldn’t eat them is both stupid and crazy.”
Kid #1: “I hate vegans. It’s bad enough to be a vegetarian but you’re going to try to hate milk and eggs? That’s fine. More delicious food for me. Have fun eating vegetables for the rest of your life”
Kid #2: “I hate people that are allergic to things and try to make it everyone else’s problem. You’re allergic to peanut butter? Fine. Don’t eat peanut butter. Being allergic to something just means that God hates you and is trying to kill you with food. Or bees.”
Kid #1: “I hate Sudoku. You’re trying to market math homework as a fun pastime? I don’t think so. Same thing with crossword puzzles. If you’re bored, go for a walk.”
Kid #2: “I hate jigsaw puzzles. We’re going to take a picture and break it into pieces. Then we expect you to pay for the privilege of putting it back together.”
Kid #1: “I hate board games. You think that rolling dice or answering trivia questions is going to break the tension at a gathering of strangers? Just serve them a couple drinks and let the alcohol do the work.”
Kid #2: “I hate people that take their job too seriously. Unless you’re a brain surgeon or a fireman, it’s just a way to make a living. People should work to live, not live to work.”
Kid #1: “I hate people that take being a police officer too seriously. Unless I’m robbing a bank or killing someone leave me alone and go bother someone else. We’ve got all of the murderers and rapists in jail so now you’ve got the spare time to pull me over and hassle me about an expired registration? Makes me think maybe we need less cops if they don’t have enough crime to keep them occupied.”
Kid #2: “I hate it when people take being a security officer too seriously. You’re just there to make sure people don’t burn the place down or steal the art off the walls. There’s a reason they don’t let you carry a gun. Just observe and report like you’re supposed to and quit giving me  looks like I’m going to respect your nonexistent authority.”
Kid #1: “I hate people that take graveyards too seriously. Just because that’s where we plant all of the dead people doesn’t mean that it’s haunted.”
Kid #2: “I hate people that believe in ghosts. If ghosts haunted places where they died, then hospitals and hospices would be the most haunted places on the planet, but they’re not. There just aren’t ghosts.”
Kid #1: “I hate people that believe in angels. You really expect me to believe that there’s an invisible being following you around every minute of every day watching over you? What about when you’re stinking up the bathroom. Or when you’re sleeping. Is your angel just hanging around floating up against the ceiling like a neglected balloon waiting for you to wake up and do something stupid?”
Kid #2: “I hate people that wear baseball caps with the tags still on them. Yes, we know it’s a new hat. Now take the tags off like a normal person.”
Kid #1: “I just hate people that wear baseball caps. Unless you’re actually playing baseball it’s just a ridiculous affectation. Might as well walk around wearing a football helmet all the time.”
Kid #2: “Now that I think about it, I realize that I hate people that wear hats in general. I mean, if it’s cold outside and you want to keep your head warm, fine. But if it’s nice out and you’re wearing a cowboy hat, you look like an idiot. Might as well have a set of plastic toy guns in waist holsters so you can have the whole cowboy outfit.”
Kid #1: “I hate girls that wear fake flowers pinned into their hair. It’s not like anybody’s going to think it’s a real flower. There’s a reason that style went out in the forties.”
Kid #2: “I hate people that have weak handshakes. Seat the sockets where your thumbs meet your hands and wrap the fingers around and give it a shake. How do you mess that up?”
Kid #1: “I hate people that try to get me to do complicated handshakes. A simple handshake just isn’t good enough for you is it? You want me to slap and slide and snap and learn some crazy secret pattern because you think it’s cool? Forget it. You can go play patty-cake with someone else.”
Kid #2: “I hate it when people you used to know in high school try to add you on Facebook. Just because you remember me from back then doesn’t mean I want to know you now. If we got along that well we’d still be friends. Since that’s not the case, why don’t we just keep on pretending that we don’t know each other like we’ve been doing for years?”
Kid #1: “I hate people that complain about the government and don’t do anything about it. You don’t like the way that the government conducts its business? Get out and vote for someone else or run for office and change the system from the inside or just stop paying your taxes. If the government doesn’t do what you want it to do, you shouldn’t have to pay them for their services.”
Kid #2: “I hate people that make a big deal about cupcakes. They’re just small single-serving cakes. What’s the big deal? And do we really need a TV show about cupcakes? Just buy a case of Twinkies and shut up.”
Kid #1: “I hate people that are all bent out of shape because Hostess went out of business. If Twinkies were so amazing everyone would buy them and they wouldn’t go out of business. I haven’t eaten a Twinkie since I used to get high in college and even then it was a bad idea and I won’t miss them when they’re gone.”
Kid #2: “I hate people that chew loudly or chew with their mouths open. How do they not know that it’s disgusting?”
Kid #1: “I hate when people make orgasm sounds when they’re enjoying food. I know that whatever you’re eating must taste pretty good, but there’s no way it’s that good.”
Kid #2: “I hate guys that wear kilts. They’re just fancy plaid skirts for guys. If you’re going to cross-dress just call it what it is.”
Kid #1: “I hate people that are way too comfortable being naked. I’ve got nothing against the human form, but I don’t need to stumble out on a sunny day and accidentally see you in your backyard sunning your twigs and berries from my deck. If you need an all over tan, go to a tanning salon.”
Kid #2: “I hate people from Brooklyn that say they live in New York City instead of admitting that they live on Long Island. Yes, we all know that Brooklyn is technically part of New York City, but unless you live on the island of Manhattan, you don’t live in New York City. Case closed.”
Kid #1: “I hate when people expect to be tipped because they have a low-paying customer service job. You want more money? Go to school and get a degree in a useful field. Don’t act like the small change I drop into your tip cup is really going to drastically alter your annual income and if you think I’m stuffing paper money into your tip cup you’re out of your mind. You get paid an hourly wage to do a job, so just do your job and throw out that tip cup. It’s embarrassing to both of us. It’s not my fault you’re not ambitious enough with your choice of vocation.”
Kid #2: “I hate drug addicts or homeless people who try to tell you some elaborate story to get money from you. It’s a waste of both of our times. Just be honest. Tell me straight out. “I am addicted to heroin and it is an expensive habit, so you can either give me five dollars now, or I can smash out your car window and rifle through the contents of your car for something to sell and you can buy a new window. Your choice.”. I’d probably pay five dollars for their honesty and to save me the cost and inconvenience of replacing a window.”
Kid #1: “I hate celebrity magazines and soap opera magazines. Not only is it a travesty that full grown adults waste perfectly good time and effort and resources producing these magazines. But it’s also amazing to me that people actually purchase these magazines. It’s really not enough that you watch these awful shows, but you’ve got to buy a magazine to read about them and I’ve got to be reminded of how stupid those idiots are every time I’m waiting in the check-out line at the supermarket?”
Kid #2: “I hate that they still publish newspapers and magazines. There’s this thing called the internet where all of the collected knowledge of mankind exists at the tip of your fingertips and you still think it’s necessary to kill trees and grind them up into paper so you can hold this information in your hands? Why not just etch it into stone tablets while you’re at it?”
Kid #1: “I hate people that hate books. I know that settling in with a good book isn’t everyone’s idea of a good time, but when anyone says they hate reading, I automatically assume that they also don’t like thinking, and that they are an idiot and continuing to converse with them is a waste of my time.”
Kid #2: “I hate people that never bothered to learn how to spell. You’ve seen these words thousands of times. How have you not accidentally figured out how the letters in the words go together in the right order by now? And there’s spell-check on everything from laptops to cell phones these days. There’s really no excuse.”
Kid #1: “I hate it when people that try to explain why you should like something when you don’t. They’re all like, “No. You don’t get it.”. And I’m all like, “Yeah. I get it. I just don’t like it. Now I’m going to stand over there where I don’t have to continue this conversation anymore. Enjoy spending the rest of the evening alone with your stupid opinions.”.”
Kid #2: “I hate people that get degrees in useless subjects. You want to spend four years of your life and tens of thousands of dollars working towards a degree in Art History and the have the nerve to complain that you can’t find a job in your chosen field of study? Does the world really need that many art historians?”
Kid #1: “I hate bosses that aren’t as smart as you are talking down to you like they know something you don’t. I always think, “I can do your job better than you do, you just got here before I did and have been here longer than I have. That doesn’t make you smarter than I am, just means you wasted more of your life here. Hope it’s working out for you.”.”
Kid #2: “I hate it when people can’t tell that you don’t want to talk to them. They look at you until you make eye contact and then they’re all like, “Hi! I’m going to punish you with my opinions about a bunch of things that you don’t care about until you find some desperate reason to be somewhere else.”. And they never seem to catch on that none of the words that fall out of their stupid faces ever had to be spoken because none of it changes anything ever so maybe keeping your stupid ideas locked inside of your head where they can’t annoy anyone else is a pretty good policy.”
Kid #1: “Yeah. I hate that too.”
Kid #2: “Yeah.”
Dolly back and fade out to a two-shot of the two workers in their cubicles clicking away at keyboards.


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